Recap: Oilers/Canucks, Oct.1

Last night I had my first chance to see this year's model of the Oilers play against the Canucks and here's my assessment of my cherished Oil on the brink of regular season play: they're gonna lose a lot again this year. They are exciting as hell, have tons of talent and grit and assertiveness and if they can maintain the last two, they won't finish in last place just near it.

What was obviously missing, as demonstrated all too effectively by the Canucks, is structure and patience. The Canucks looked like Zen masters out there. There were some lapses in their play, defensively mostly, but nothing more than early-season rust. While the Oilers kept coming in mad flurries, the Canucks were like Steven Segal, eating a meatball sub with one hand and sending Taylor Hall crashing over the bar with the other, just guiding him there with his own momentum.

Or if the players were lovers and not fighters, the experienced lady-killer needs to take the young buck aside with a little advice. Segal to Hall, heart to heart:

"Hey, man, in the words of the legendary New Edition, you got to cool it now. I know you want to score, We all want to score. and you're here, you're in the show, this lady wants you in her boudoir. It's not about living up to the hype now, it's about making her forget everyone else. You can't just pounce on her! You got to coax her, figure out what's working and let her come to you. This is love aikido, man. Ain't no sense in throwing all your tricks at her at once, just keep it simple, baby. Say sweet things to her, kiss her all over, get the juices flowing and then, only then, work the clit. (for the Canucks this is getting the puck to Daniel.) You can't go straight to the anal pile-driver! You just can't! She is not into that! Give it time, son."

I look forward to the day when the Oilers can dominate and go straight to the anal pile driver, hoagie in hand, greased-back pony-tail shining in the pool hall light, but it's still a long way away. More importantly, I look forward to when they realize they don't have to but they can if the lady is feelin' freaky. Love Aikido. Hard to kill. Cool it now.


Game notes:

• Taylor Hall is the dumbest looking player in the NHL. I'm not saying he's dumb, just dumb looking. Those pneumatic lips and glazed eyes make him look like he's on the cusp of drooling at all times.
• Nugent-Hopkins is going to be fierce. Once they get some weight on him, he's going to impose his will on people.
• Is Lapierre going to be a goal-scorer this year? Looks plausible. Likewise Hamuis? He looked good on the point. Stay healthy, boys!
• Everybody in Rogers Arena is still holding their breath any time a puck gets near Luongo. No pressure, Lou, no pressure.
• No mullet for Ryan Smyth - hey, Asshole, we paid good money for that mullet, you grow that shit back! Ryan Jones presence doens't mean your follicles get the season off!
• The Pirate Malholtra was strong in face-offs. I guess maybe the key dominating the circle is just to squint.
• Mark Lee and Kevin Weekes continue to be the most stilted duo in broadcasting. Every game is like Lee just lobbed a racial slur at Weekes right before airtime and now they have to work through it. Because they're professionals, dammit!
• I sill don't know how to spell Piejaarvi. Mmmm... pie...